Today's Topic: Water.
Water is a necessary component of all forms of life, and is the most abundant substance on the face of the Earth. This explains why monopolistic corporations are able to sell it to us at outrageous, pirate's prices. Some corporation will start billing you for the air you breathe as soon as it can figure out how to convince doctors to cram a valve into your trachea that will allow them to "disconnect your service" when you don't pay your Air Bill. We're closer to this scenario that you'd like to believe; most doctors threw out that silly, quaint "Hippocratic Oath" thing a few years ago when they realized that it was bad for business. There's a theme here: everything on Earth (even your greasy hobo bowel movements) is controlled by a corporation, and corporations want you to either A) pay them, or B) die.
Can't afford to pay your water bill? You don't have to! It turns out that there's this thing near your house called a "creek," and that there is a liquid substance in it which in some ways resembles water. It's full of sulfur, mercury, human fecal matter, fossil-fuel run-off, and 8,936,422 other kinds of poisons--but since you're a hobo now, you'll starve to death long before you'll get pancreatic cancer. So drink up!
You're welcome.
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Dave Bianes posted on HoboTraveler
4 years ago
I can't decide whether to get Botox or the more established facelift. My breasts, already nearly perfect, only need the aureola darkened, which, really, I can't afford NOT to do. Fourthly, can you recommend a good wine to go with ramen?
ReplyDeleteI can't speak to either the efficacy or the advisability of any cosmetic procedures; hell, I have at least four actual medical conditions that would need curing if doctors still did curing.
ReplyDeleteI can, however, respond to your wine query. The answer, if you're in Europe, is whatever red table wine is the cheapest in whatever store you're standing in. If you're in the U.S., go with Steel Reserve Malt Liquor.
You, as always, are welcome.