Recipe: Hobo Hardtack

Ingredients:

• 4 cups flour
• water
• 96 tears

First, open up your cabinet and make sure there's some flour in there. There probably isn't any, because the last time I checked there was only rice and some green food coloring. Still, let's just say for the sake of pointless argument that you've got some flour in there. Put four cups of it into a big bowl. Add water gradually, crying into the mixture as you're wont to do, until it begins to form a thick-but-not-crumbly dough. It's a good thing you're crying, for once, because you don't have any other salt. Taste the dough. You'll find that it tastes like glue; this is completely normal, because it is--in fact--glue. Roll into a sheet, cut into squares, and perforate with a fork...you know, like crackers. Bake at 375 degrees for two hours, turning once along the way.

The result: flavorless white bricks which are slightly less hard than diamonds. You will lose as many as three teeth eating this shit, but that's OK because next week you'll nearly freeze to death in some gutter and will wake up in the hospital with an IV in your arm. You'll laugh to yourself as you realize these hospital suckers will never get paid, but mainly you'll be saying "good riddance" to your teeth, which you could never afford to take care of anyway, and which are not needed for the consumption of liquid glucose. Victory!

Bon appetit!