Editor's Quick Tips, Vol. #3

Today's Topic: Checks

Even the lowliest hobos sometimes get checks. Unfortunately, people like you and I do not. Not anymore, anyway. Oh, we used to get checks all right--big fat ones, sometimes with more than one zero on them. And we'd cash them, and pay the bills, and purchase food, and laugh the days away astride magical winged centaurs, and everything was fanciful. Now all we hope--nay, all we dare--to do is to try to get our kitty-cat-lint-sculpture business going. But I digress, because that's what malt liquor does to a man.

The point here is checks: just pretend like you have one, for a second, and that you'd like to cash it. I know, I know, but just play along. Suppose you wanted to cash that check? Well, you couldn't cash it even if you had it. It's drafted on an account in some bank that doesn't have a branch near you (and of course you don't have your own account--HA HA!). Or it is made out to a misspelling of your name, and the bank's employees will refuse to cash it out of spite (and then, at their fancy boozy bank parties, they'll replay the security footage of your hilarious visit and laugh, and laugh, and laugh at you, the poor, dirty, starving cretin).

So just forget about it. That fictional check has just become your fictional toilet paper. You don't have any real checks or toilet papers, however, so you'll just have to use yesterday's glossy, nonabsorbent junk mail. Happy pooping.

You're welcome.