Editor's Quick Tips, Vol. #10

Today's Topic: Roofs.

Remember when you had a roof over your head? It kept the rain from washing the dirt of your honest labor off of you (clean people who make less than $100,000 per year being the biggest boner-killer ever for the mustachioed puppy-rapists whom our society has deemed uniquely qualified for regular feedings of freshly-tasered hobo-meat). Now you sit in a drainage ditch as the shit excreted by those hirsute dog-boinkers washes around your trash-bag-enclosed legs, your tears mixing and mingling with a particularly acidic rain which would until recently have been possible only within the sulferic atmosphere of Earth's sister-planet, Venus, which the Earth will soon begin incestually to bone thanks to a synecdochal celestial ass-fuck made possible by the collective hard-ons of the turd-slurping Rich.

Why aren't you angry? Why aren't you and I burning a bank right now?

Revealed: Financial Realities Dictated By Dictator Bush

Literally everything costs money now, thanks to the declassified financial dictums of our recent asshole-polishing, self-styled Emperor. Blink? You now owe $7 to some advertising agency; it's called a "willfully missed advertisement-absorption" in marketing / accounting / shit-gobbling circles. Fart? $5 pre-emptively past-due to Lockheed-Martin, because flatulence has been determined by the Supreme Court to be a contravention of patented jet-propulsion systems. Thanks, Alito! What follows is a quick, wildly partial list of some small number of the things for which you personally, already, owe some corporation, because corporations are God and have access to massive metaphors with which to poke your soft, inviting colon.

• Banks: $2 ATM fee; $3 paper-money fee; $4 fee required to walk through door; $5 charge for walking on floor inside building; Air (anywhere on planet) $6 per breath; $7 charged for each penny withdrawn from account; $8 each second, for no reason, because why the fuck not?
  
• Convenience Stores: $1 fee for using debit cards; $84 fee for all cash transactions; bread costs $9,400 due to the taxes duly levied by the corporation which owns and operates your digestive tract.
• Electric Power Company: $4,000,000,007 monthly fee, thanks to God-given monopoly straight out of Gilded Age; $10 surcharge per microwatt-hour of power used; $4,104 fee assessed upon reception of each bill; 1.9 quarts of your blood to be consumed by vampiric CEO for each baby born, anywhere; 3 tons of dynamite inserted / detonated in each human's asshole annually, because hey, it's fun to watch guts being blown sky-high.
• Municipal Courts: All "court costs" to be paid either through castration or clitorectomy; judges' salaries now equal to GDP of entire universe and are paid entirely with revenue raised via resale of marijuana seized during routine, random traffic stops of any and all people whose skin has an albedo of less than 0.1; $5 surtax levied upon each human being on this Earth for each and every Republican judge who enjoys being publicly buggered by multiple elephants (99.87% of them fit this description).
• "Democracy": Each vote now requires payment to Wal-Mart in the amount of $47,376,082.93; only Rich People are, statutorily, henceforth allowed to vote; abject idiocy is a precondition and must be proven via willingness to eat asbestos while being smacked in the face with a titanium dildo 604 times; people too smart to pass test will be butt-raped by robots and shot into space, with Dick Cheney (who will robotically butt-rape them some more, for His astral pleasure).
• Healthcare: $18,074 surcharge for each illness; $1.99 fee (already past-due) per cell in your body (counting of which is your own responsibility and dereliction of which count is punishable by gonad-cancer); each case of gonad-cancer subject to (nominal!) $67,003,071.09 fee; failure to pay gonad-cancer fee punishable by live grenade shoved up ass by a laughing Dick-Cheney-borg.
• Restaurants: Required to serve boiled turds to all human customers; mustard no longer available; mustard gas $57,831.98 extra; rotting flesh of dead people whose skin has albedo of less than 0.1 now considered a delicacy.
• Heartbeats: $505.99 each; free-beat coupons available from CEO of whatever corporation owns the McDonald's brand; cost of coupon: 14,720 squatting blowjobs (jalapeno-consumption a prerequisite; peppers not supplied).
  

Editor's Quick Tips, Vol. #9

Today's topic: Bills

Bills, in case you're a Rich Person and are doing research into the shitpool we poor folks have to swim in (and eat from) are pieces of paper that issue forth from some turd-gargling Rich Person's computer. They demand ransom in the form of exorbitant amounts of money, of which only Rich People are in possession. These demands are legal--and reasonable--because Rich People are Congressionally permitted to use actual human beings for toilets. Tip: shit goes in the mouth, and piss goes in the eyes. This is the natural order, and its very nature excuses it from examination. So, poor people, enjoy those turds. It's the only food that God will ever allow you to eat, and he works in mysterious ways, so shut up about the fact that you have shit wedged betwixt your incisors.

Pay your bills, or you'll die. Can't pay your power bill? You'll die either by freezing or by eating rancid (because unrefrigerated) meat carved from the bones of people even poorer than you (I just blew you lint-swallowers' minds). Can't pay your water bill? You can't flush your toilet, and will die from shit-borne bacterial infections. Can't shovel money into some arbitrary hole? Six men will come and put dynamite in your asshole, after they eat your eyeballs and jizz into the sockets.

Word to the wise.