Five Productive Activities For Today's Active Hobo

There was once a time, so the Fairy Taletellers say, when humans had dignity, and were paid money in exchange for their labor, and happy-sunshine rainbows shot out of bankers' assholes as God's proof that the Money Rain would never stop. We were all so busy, living lives and having families and eating food and having homes. But those days are over, and now we spend our days trying to invent passable simulacra of toilet paper while wearing "pants" made out of used garbage bags and whistling jaunty hobo ditties like "Jimmy Cracked Corn." What I'm trying to say is that we all have a lot more free time now that Bush's Treasury Dept. has made working both superfluous and impossible. So what is a today's-active-hobo like you supposed to do with all of the extra time? Look for work? HA HA, good one! HA HA! *Sob*. No, seriously. OK, here's a list of stuff we can do, because making silly lists is the first item on my list of things we can do.

1. Write a blog. Make silly lists about things we can do. Your blog is your platform, and from it you can issue the kinds of drunken non-sequiturs that paleohobos used to blurt out on the street, between sips of sweet, sweet Mad Dog. With any luck, your tireless daily efforts will net you as many as seven readers in as little as fourteen years. Based on projections from the Hobo Demographics And Advertising Institute, or HDAAI (which I just made up, allowed as I am to do so under The Hoboblogger's Code), by the end of that fourteen years, you'll actually be close to getting paid for your Google ads. $100 for only fourteen years of work? Can you say "cash cow"? You don't have to, because you drool when you speak...and anyway, I just said it for you. You're welcome.
2. Get your Kitty-Cat-Lint-Sculpture business going. I hinted at this one yesterday, but you were so drunk that you've forgotten about it, so I get to recycle it. Yes, make kitty-cat-lint-sculptures for fun and profit. Or, actually, make some other kind of lint sculptures, because I can do without the competition. It's not as if you'll actually sell any of them, because A) people don't want them, B) you have B.O. (remember soap? from years ago?), and C) Hank Paulson has outlawed money. But what else are you going to do, sit around and get drunk?
3. Sit around and get drunk. Studies show a marked increase in blogging and kitty-cat-lint-sculpture production when malt liquor is on hand. Booze is also the only thing that will make you happy, ever again, until you starve to death next Thursday and are eaten by feral dogs. Sure, booze-happiness is fleeting and artificial, but Hank Paulson has outlawed true happiness, too.
4. Find new uses for previously useless things. Have a credit card? Use it as a spoon the next time you have a bowl of unseasoned dough to eat (not that you ever will, again). Have a bowl with no dough in it? Wear it as a hat, and criss-cross the country planting apple trees. Have an apple tree? Of course you don't, or you'd have apples to eat. Sorry, I flubbed that one. The point is, the world is yours now that nobody owns anything and we're all sleeping inside sewage pipes. Turn that sewage into stewage. Anything is now exactly what you say it is. This is all bullshit of course, and you're eating sewage, and you know it, and it makes you cry.
5. Cry. It won't make you feel any better, but it will make Hank Paulson laugh.

OK, hobos, let's get busy. As you can see, there's no time to loaf about. We've got lots of dehumanizing nothingness to get done.