Five Tested Ways To Earn Ramen Money

Most humans and other mindless animals find it a good idea to eat some food once in a while--preferably on a daily basis. For those of us who can't afford food, there's "Ramen Noodles." It may have less nutritional value than cardboard, but it certainly tastes a little bit better, and it allows those who eat it to pretend for a few moments that nourishment is in fact taking place. But what if you spent your last two quarters in that payphone that you had to walk two miles to find (because all of the rich people have cell phones now) so that you could call the Electric Power Board and beg them to take three more days worth of "pity" on you? Here are a few tips on how you, too, can pretend to eat.

1. Check inside your neighbors' washing machines. This only works, of course, if you live in an apartment building with a common laundry room. If this situation applies to you, however, treasure awaits. You'll often find up to a dollar's worth of nickels and dimes underneath your dorkus-hipster-neighbor's still-wet Fruit Of The Looms. You'll also find several twist-off beer bottle caps, which you can flick across the room for your and your cat's entertainment.
2. Recover discarded scratch-off lottery tickets. A lot of times, people throw these out without really examining them. I've made $3 this way in the past year alone!
3. Check for coins beside the doors of parked cars. People with cars are rich, and they shed coins like you and I shed tears. I think they sweat pennies or something. Their riches trickle out of their pockets while driving, and then fall to the Earth when they get out of their cars. Three or four hours of crouching may net you as much as 35 cents. There's no reason not to do this.
4. Check vending machine coin returns. This is an old schoolboy's trick, but it can be a quick path to MSG heaven. Look for soda machines and bill-changing machines as you do your twice-daily six-mile errand walk, and stick your finger in the slots of all of them. You'll be glad you did.
5. Tear your home apart. This one should be viewed as a last resort, because trust me, you've already found and spent every last penny that was ever in your possession. But who knows? Maybe you forgot to look behind the toilet? Or underneath the refrigerator? You'll go insane if you aren't absolutely sure that there's no more change waiting for you somewhere in your own apartment, and your obsessive search will give you something to focus on other than the gnawing emptiness in your stomach.

Follow this advice and you may well be eating pretend "food" within 24-to-48 hours! You're welcome.