Revealed: Financial Realities Dictated By Dictator Bush

Literally everything costs money now, thanks to the declassified financial dictums of our recent asshole-polishing, self-styled Emperor. Blink? You now owe $7 to some advertising agency; it's called a "willfully missed advertisement-absorption" in marketing / accounting / shit-gobbling circles. Fart? $5 pre-emptively past-due to Lockheed-Martin, because flatulence has been determined by the Supreme Court to be a contravention of patented jet-propulsion systems. Thanks, Alito! What follows is a quick, wildly partial list of some small number of the things for which you personally, already, owe some corporation, because corporations are God and have access to massive metaphors with which to poke your soft, inviting colon.

• Banks: $2 ATM fee; $3 paper-money fee; $4 fee required to walk through door; $5 charge for walking on floor inside building; Air (anywhere on planet) $6 per breath; $7 charged for each penny withdrawn from account; $8 each second, for no reason, because why the fuck not?
  
• Convenience Stores: $1 fee for using debit cards; $84 fee for all cash transactions; bread costs $9,400 due to the taxes duly levied by the corporation which owns and operates your digestive tract.
• Electric Power Company: $4,000,000,007 monthly fee, thanks to God-given monopoly straight out of Gilded Age; $10 surcharge per microwatt-hour of power used; $4,104 fee assessed upon reception of each bill; 1.9 quarts of your blood to be consumed by vampiric CEO for each baby born, anywhere; 3 tons of dynamite inserted / detonated in each human's asshole annually, because hey, it's fun to watch guts being blown sky-high.
• Municipal Courts: All "court costs" to be paid either through castration or clitorectomy; judges' salaries now equal to GDP of entire universe and are paid entirely with revenue raised via resale of marijuana seized during routine, random traffic stops of any and all people whose skin has an albedo of less than 0.1; $5 surtax levied upon each human being on this Earth for each and every Republican judge who enjoys being publicly buggered by multiple elephants (99.87% of them fit this description).
• "Democracy": Each vote now requires payment to Wal-Mart in the amount of $47,376,082.93; only Rich People are, statutorily, henceforth allowed to vote; abject idiocy is a precondition and must be proven via willingness to eat asbestos while being smacked in the face with a titanium dildo 604 times; people too smart to pass test will be butt-raped by robots and shot into space, with Dick Cheney (who will robotically butt-rape them some more, for His astral pleasure).
• Healthcare: $18,074 surcharge for each illness; $1.99 fee (already past-due) per cell in your body (counting of which is your own responsibility and dereliction of which count is punishable by gonad-cancer); each case of gonad-cancer subject to (nominal!) $67,003,071.09 fee; failure to pay gonad-cancer fee punishable by live grenade shoved up ass by a laughing Dick-Cheney-borg.
• Restaurants: Required to serve boiled turds to all human customers; mustard no longer available; mustard gas $57,831.98 extra; rotting flesh of dead people whose skin has albedo of less than 0.1 now considered a delicacy.
• Heartbeats: $505.99 each; free-beat coupons available from CEO of whatever corporation owns the McDonald's brand; cost of coupon: 14,720 squatting blowjobs (jalapeno-consumption a prerequisite; peppers not supplied).